Author: Unbalanced Woman

I’ve given up on finding the perfect work / life balance. Instead I choose to celebrate the reality of an Unbalanced life, and all the fun, chaos and swearing that brings. (Seriously, if you’re offended by bad language, this is not the place for you.)

Feeling the Social Dilemma? Are there better social media options?

More and more people are telling me that Facebook, Insta and Twitter are ‘a necessary evil’ that they put up with as a way to stay connected to friends, share their creative work or promote their business. And now, following the release of the Social Dilemma, people are recognising the darker side of the algorithms used by those sites.

Of course many people love social media sites as a way of staying connected to friends (which was the original benefit), and stalking celebrities, (which has probably over-taken that original intention!). Still, many of those same people worry that they spend too much time scrolling through seemingly endless content (that isn’t necessarily from pages they follow), projecting the perfect Insta life, or the significant anger that seems to surround so many tweets.

After watching the Social Dilemma documentary, it seems that a lot of people are quickly wanting to do something to change their normal habit – the most common response to be, to delete Facebook. But people also recognise that it’s hard to ‘quit’ social media completely because it’s so engrained in our everyday life.

Perhaps, there are other ways?

1. Accept social media for what it is, but use it with our eyes open

We can weigh up the pros and cons and decide to continue. Perhaps recognise that the algorithms are designed to keep us online and so it’s easy to be come addicted, and limit usage to whatever you think is acceptable for you.

We can be aware that those same algorithms are choosing what content we see, and seek out other points of view – consciously look to balance what we read and watch so that we’re not always reaffirming one side of any story, by searching for and clicking on opposing content from the same sites. Oh and, actually read longer articles instead of just believing click bait headlines!

2. Choose other social sites and search engines – they do already exist.

Of course other platforms do exist but the sheer scale of the big names makes it hard for others to get noticed and build a big enough customer base to make it feel like a viable option. And yet, if the demand is there, could now be the time for more socially responsible options to break through? Could there even be options that we would be less worried about letting our kids sign up to?

I’d like to offer a personal preference – I’ve been using Vero ‘true social’ for a couple of years. It doesn’t use algorithms or adverts at all so you only see what you choose to follow. I absolutely love it and highly recommend you give it a try. So much so that I’ve quit all other social media sites now.

You may have heard about Vero early in 2018 when there was a sudden influx, but then just as fast, it dropped, when people either experienced tech problems or read (untrue) reports about their privacy policy.

And yet for some reason Vero just felt right to me, and I stuck with it beyond the temporary tech glitches, and I’ve been recommending it ever since.

It’s worth saying that I have no commercial investment or reason to promote Vero other than I just really like it – this is a genuine recommendation. 

If you haven’t the foggiest what I’m talking about, here’s the low down on what Vero is, and why I like it so much.

  • Vero is advertised as True Social – ‘Less social media, more social life‘. It’s quite simply people and businesses sharing content that they think will be interesting to others, inviting comments and discussion.
  • You can post a photo just like Insta, or share a link just like Facebook, or recommend music, a book, a film or TV show, or a place.
  • Each of these different types of post becomes a ‘collection’ and people can see, for example, a collection of books that their friends have recommended, or how many of the people they follow have shared a particular film. If you click on the film or book image someone has shared, you can read a synopsis or watch a trailer. I love that part! It’s constant reviews from people I trust, or people who I have found on there who can bring me new ideas.
  • There are no adverts or ‘suggested posts’ or ‘your friend likes this’. I only see posts from the people I choose to connect with – and they are in date order, not re-shown to me over and over because someone else has commented for the 20th frigging time!
  • On a similar point, there are no algorithms deciding who sees what. So if you run a page and someone follows you they will see everything you post in their feed. Everything! In date order.
  • Vero is full of creative types, so if you like photography or art or films there are plenty of people to follow who share great content regularly. You can ‘introduce’ people to others and see who they recommend.
  • Privacy options are much better – you can both Connect with people you know (like friends on Facebook) and / or Follow people (like on Twitter). So when you post you can choose if you want to share each item with everyone who follows you or just a group of friends you are connected to, really easily.
  • There are celebrities and some big name companies including the Madonna, British GQ and most popular of all, Zack Snyder – director of many famous films – he has a very loyal fan base! But the majority of people on Vero are just normal, incredibly positive and supportive – unbothered about numbers of followers, and just genuinely interested in sharing content with people – it’s a community feel.

The only thing that’s missing is more users. Vero is still in the millions, rather than the big platforms billions. When I first joined, I didn’t immediately have an instant feed of people I knew – and that’s where some people get stuck. But if like me, you brings. Group of friends with you, or have a look around and find new people with similar interests, you just might really enjoy Vero, as much as I do.

So if you fancy giving something new a try, and to ditch the algorithms, #joinmeonVero and say hello. And let me know you read this post, so I can follow you too.

Interested? Watch the Vero video to see how it works – https://youtu.be/LdJ-wl0l-H

You might also like this New York Times article about Big Tech (spoiler alert, this writer also endorses Vero)

#socialmedia #Vero #verotruesocial

#socialdilemma

Married to Feminism? 

I’m watching the Royal Wedding and feeling a bit conflicted.

Whilst I love a wedding, and all the traditional touches, there are a few parts that, these days, make me feel really uncomfortable. As I’ve got older and my feminist awareness and opinions have grown I’m now looking at everything with a new lens – one of equality.

Do the traditions allow us to treat the Bride and Groom as equals? As I just heard the words ‘man and wife’ for the umpteenth time, I rolled my eyes and thought ‘fuck this shit!’

I find myself confused about what I would do if I were planning a wedding today – would I make the same choices as I did 10 years ago?

More and more people are ditching traditions to make weddings more personal. I saw this during my days as a wedding photographer. It’s lovely and it makes your wedding YOUR wedding. I did the same, and at the time I thought my wedding was perfect. I still think that. And yet…. let’s just add that equality lens.

Starting with the Bride’s entrance – all eyes are on the Bride, she looks beautiful, she feels special, she smiles and takes it all in. She enjoys feeling beautiful and people recognising how lovely she looks. But hang on…

The Groom doesn’t make that same entrance – he waits at the front, and he sees everyone in advance. This tradition of having the Bride arrive last, builds up an expectation, that the Bride has an extra role – to be seen – to look her best – to make ‘an entrance’.

We keep our dresses secret so it’s a surprise. Often we do our hair differently than we would ever normally wear it.

As guests, we lap it up. “Doesn’t she look beautiful, what a gorgeous dress.”

And as a Bride myself, I wanted that – I wanted to look beautiful. The preparation was not just what I’d wear, but weeks of extra attention on looking after my skin, trying to lose weight, getting new make up. Because if all eyes are on me, I must look my best. Because how you look on your wedding day is one of the most important aspects of planning it. We are taught this through experience of attending other weddings. And in life – how women look is always important.

My husband didn’t do any of that preparation. I doubt he thought much about it all. He got a nice suit and had a hair cut, like he would for any event – he dressed appropriately. He looked nice, but not that different. He looked like the man I spend every day with. He just farted less. Well, we both did – farts are equal too!

Next is the tradition of the father of the Bride walking her down the aisle. I’ve been to many weddings where it’s mum rather than dad for whatever reason. In fact I nearly did the same. But in the end, I asked my shy, Step-dad to walk me, because I knew it would mean a lot to him to be recognised as my father – which he is.

So, let’s just check… does anyone escort the groom down the aisle? Of course not, because… I know you can see it coming:
‘Who gives this woman to this man?”.

OK what the actual fuck?? Why are we still doing this? I did it myself. But now, instead of thinking of it as a gesture to show my dad how much I love him, I’m annoyed that I was ‘given’. Clearly I wasn’t – I made that choice.

No-one was expected to ‘give’ my husband to me. We just chose to be together. Equally. We chose to be a family.

And then to the reception and the speeches – probably the most obvious one that many people are already pushing against the traditions.

Traditionally speeches are by The Men. I’ve always been delighted to see a Bride make a speech, although I didn’t do it myself. I’m still not sure why.

People now ask a Best Friend, rather than a Best Man, and a Parent of the Bride, rather than always the Father. And yet, I’ve not so far seen a Parent of the Groom take up the equal opportunity. 

And so, even after writing this (I write to help me think) I find myself still conflicted. Is that because I regret decisions I made at my own wedding? Nope – the problem is, despite my strong opinions, if I had to do it all over again, I would do exactly the same again. I’m conflicted because it turns out that my feminism has boundaries.

And I’m really fucking annoyed with myself for that!!
#feminism #equality #wedding #royalwedding

Stand in front of a door week

It’s tradition for for many of us at some point this week to take a picture of our kids heading off for their first day at school.

PARENTS: Don’t forget to take a picture of YOU standing in front of a door and smiling. Then look back on it occasionally to remind yourself that (with a week’s worth of preparation) it actually is possible to leave the house calm and smiling with plenty of time to take photos and arrive in the playground early.

NB THIS IS NOT EVERY DAY REALITY!!

Your future self will learn that normal procedure is to leave the house each morning…

– red in the face from running up and down your stairs repeatedly, looking for lost shoes, PE kits and door keys

– arguing with your child that they could have mentioned earlier that they desperately want to take a very specific book, stick or twatting pebble into Show and Tell but, of course, they have no idea where it is right now.

– battling a small person’s arm into their inside-out coat sleeve while throwing your own coat over your head and hopping in one shoe as you attempt navigate the door / steps putting on the other one.

– juggling what feels like a hundred bags, books and possibly a scooter

– expressing your slight ‘disappointment’ (total fucking rage) that your child has not (you have not) planned ahead, and agree that tonight they (you) really WILL learn to pack and prepare everything the night before school (just like you remember you did on the first day of the school year)

– locking the door, setting off and then realising that you have forgotten your own sodding bag.

Good luck everyone!


#standinfrontofadoorday #allthekidsaredoingit

Do you hate your body, or embrace it?

“At least I can get in size 8 jeans again, even though my fat belly is rolling over the top. Eurgh, I need to get to the gym and sort that out! I used to be so much thinner before I had you.”

That’s a conversation I overheard in a shop changing room – a mother telling her very young daughter how pleased she was that she had lost weight.
Once upon a time I wouldn’t have paid much attention to that conversation. It’s just what women say. I might have rolled my eyes a little at the idea of a size 8 woman complaining she has a ‘fat belly’, but that’s all. 

But just over a year ago I saw a film documentary that had a massive impact on me and made me question so much of what I see around me. Now that film is available to buy or rent and I can’t recommend it enough.


We all know that the media, especially beauty and fashion industries constantly bombard us with an ideal of what we should look like, so that they can sell more products. But do we realise the scale of the impact? 

According to research done by the film makers, 91% of women say they hate their bodies. Even in these amazing times of celebrating women and how far we how come, how much we can do, how equal we are, still we seem to judge so much of our value on how we look. 

‘Embrace’ documents an amazing journey of Taryn Brumfitt, travelling round the world, meeting all sorts of women to understand their feelings about their bodies. And just as importantly how we are talking to our children about our bodies. 

It’s shocking, thought provoking and actually very funny. I massively recommend watching, and potentially sharing with your children. Not just girls – it’s a message for everyone. 

Embrace by Taryn Brumfitt https://itunes.apple.com/gb/movie/embrace/id1190681117

New Year, new pressure?

Are these perfectly acceptable New Year’s resolutions?

Every year, at around this time we seem to get a lot of motivation for us all to better ourselves as we start a new year – to set goals or create a vision of our ‘best self’ and work hard to achieve it. #newyearnewme anyone?

But I’m opting for the no pressure route. This year I will be, well, just me. 

Some people might disagree, but I don’t think that everyone needs to have a 5 year plan, or a 5 week plan. I quite like spontaneity and seeing what happens next.

I don’t necessarily have to be ‘My Best Self’ – actually I’m just proud that I’m moderately good at a few things. 

Perhaps that makes me lazy. Perhaps I have lower expectations than others. Or perhaps I’m just fucking lucky that I’m already really happy with the life I have. 

Life is an adventure and sometimes it’s OK to go with the flow, see what comes along, and be flexible enough to cope with an unexpected event.  

  • Sometimes I WANT to change something. 
  • Sometimes I have an idea and go for it. 
  • Sometimes life throws me a curve ball and I NEED to change something.
  • Sometimes I decide to do something and then change my mind. 

And in my eyes, that’s OK. 

If you’re positively motivated by all the ‘change your life’ memes and motivations, then good for you. Good luck with whatever that change is for you. Enjoy making that change and feeling positive about the progress you make. 

Right now, I don’t have a career dream and there isn’t a fitness goal that I’m working towards and there isn’t a life goal that I’m determined to make real this year. That might change, or it might not. 

If I decide to change something at any point this year, I will change it. If I decide NOT to change anything because actually my unbalanced, unplanned life is pretty fucking fabulous, then I’ll just keep on going, without a plan. Sod the resolutions. 

Happy New Year everyone. 
#resolutionrevolution #newyearsameme  

#myhappyhour

Inspired by @bryonygordon wearing a ‘Running is my happy hour’ Tshirt, this morning I finally broke my months of excuses and got back out there. 

An hour before I had been moaning that I never have time / don’t feel like I can do it anymore. My husband told me ‘Just bloody go now. It doesn’t matter if you only walk!’  
So I just bloody went. Everything else waited. 

I’m so glad I did. I was rubbish, I was panting, looked awful and will no doubt have stiff legs tomorrow. But I felt amazing. 

I didn’t wear headphones I just ran and enjoyed looking at he trees and saying good morning to strangers. 

I’m posting this not to brag that I ran – finally – but to remind myself that it is important to take that hour, just for me. I’m going to use #myhappyhour as a reminder to do that. Whether it’s a run, a brew with a friend or watching a family film together. I will dedicate that time to one activity. Not multi-tasking, not thinking about a work problem or just quickly looking up that thing in the internet, just making sure a properly enjoy one thing at a time. 

#myhappyhour #headspace

‘I’m getting old’ is getting old

I’ve been wondering why people I know who are approaching 30 seem to worry that they they are getting old. Old!! 

Women today have an average life expectancy of reaching our late 80s, yet before we are out of our 20s we already think we’re past our prime, and start to wish we were (or at least could look) younger. 

What the hell are we teaching each other? 

I started thinking about it when my little boy innocently asked me “why do people always want to look younger” after watching a TV advert for women’s skin care. It was a shock because, although I know somewhere deep inside me that it’s ridiculous, it’s also so fucking normal that somewhere along the way I stopped even noticing. 

“Look at that amazing middle-aged woman. I can’t wait until I have those gorgeous expression lines on my face. That’s so sexy.” 

Said no 20-something, ever. 

Even from a very young age I remember the phrase ‘you never ask a woman her age’, and wondering, why? My gran would sing, “Keep young and beautiful, if you want to be loved”. Sigh. And we all know by now that it’s taken decades for celebrities to be allowed to get older, unless they take to the knife or needle or chemicals, to cut and stretch or fill their skin with age-reversing magic. 

When we are children we can’t wait to grow up to be old enough to do whatever our current age restricts (watch the best films, ride the best rollercoasters, drink all the booze). Then we hit about 25 and realise we’re heading towards 30… when apparently, it’s all downhill from here. So there’s a period of about 5 – 7 years where we think we’re in our prime, and then what? Re start trying to stay young, to reverse ‘growing up’. 

Why do we value youth so much, when age means we continue to grow – in knowledge, experience and an understanding of what’s actually important to us?

We only seem to value people getting older when the numbers get much bigger. Then people start telling you their age all the time. “I’m 83 you know!”  They are proud, and we are impressed because they have made it to a ripe old age, and perhaps they are still showing us that they can have enormous fun. 

Let me give you an example, of dancing in public :

  • Age 5 = cute
  • 25 = sexy
  • 35 – 55 = embarrassing
  • 65 – 95 = Go Grandma!!! 

We just love seeing an obvious pensioner mixing it up with the kids at a festival or dancing in the street. They show us that pure joy is what’s important at any age. They also show us that they give no fucks what so ever. 

I’m 44 and apparently I have a life expectancy of 89. I’m not even half way! It is a fact that I am younger than the average person (just) and perhaps in the absolute peak period of my life. 

My body may not be as flexible as it was when I was an 11 year old gymnast, but I no longer care about which of my friends can do the best standing back-flip. I have other things I need my body to do. My tits may not point in the same direction as they did when I was 22, but that’s because they have been a life source for another human. They can point whichever twatting way they want to after that. 

But I tell you what, mentally I’ve never been healthier. I know what’s important to me and what’s not, and that helps me to realise that I’ll never again waste my energy worrying about how many candles there are on my cake each year, unless they start to cause a fire hazard. 

Every age I have been has been my favourite so far. We need to start talking about THAT. We need to help the teenagers, the 20-somethings and people at every number of candles understand that their age right now can be celebrated – just like the kids showing off their age on a birthday badge; just like the woman who is proud of being 83; we have made it through another year. We have learned more, experienced more, grown more as a person. 

I’m still growing, and I don’t mean my waist line (that’s a given). 

In my 20s – I had a ball, drinking and dancing in noisy, smelly, disgusting clubs, making new friends, shopping for shoes and  flirting with boys. (Maybe more than flirting sometimes)

In my 30s – I had a ball, going to pubs where I could get a nicer glass of wine, a seat and good conversation. There was theatre, gigs, and cinema with a solid group of friends and I ‘settled down’, got married and became a mum’. Life was even better. 

In my 40s – I’m having a ball, going to great restaurants, festivals, museums, holidays with my family, afternoon tea with my friends. Life is even better. 

I look back on younger days with massively fond memories, but do I want to go back to smelly clubs with sticky floors, shit wine and questionable men? No, I don’t. Except, if I do want to go, I will go.  I will be one of those ‘old women’ that my 20-something self would have sneered at because they were embarrassing themselves, drinking too much and taking over the dancefloor, and turning ‘our club’ into a grab a granny night’. How dare they?! 

I’ll tell you how dare they…. because I’m learning it now – middle-aged women have learned the best life lesson there is – they have learned about what’s important to worry about and what’s not. That’s what age is wonderful at giving us – a depleting number of fucks to give. It’s really quite liberating!

If we want to go out and get shitfaced on a better class of cocktail, we will. If we want to wear a more sensible heel, we will. And if we want to stay at home watching a box set, and only drinking tea, we fucking well will and we don’t care if that’s ‘boring’. We earned the right to do whatever we want by drinking a decades-worth of cheap, warm cider and alco-pops then staggering home on blister-bleeding feet. 

So I’m not scared of getting older, because experience tells me that life only gets better. And if that experience shows as lines on my face then that’s just fucking dandy. (Marketing people take note – I’ll still buy face cream, but to make my skin feel nice.)

Let it be known that I am 44, and 44 is brilliant. If you’re not there yet, you’ve got a lot to look forward to. Honestly. And if you’re older, please tell me what else I can look forward to. 

Or have I already lost the plot because I’m so old and passed it? 

Multi-tasking

I’ve been talking to friends about multi-tasking. Those of us who have days when we can work at home are absolutely nailing it. 

Here’s our Top 10 list of…Multi-tasking Activities To Do While On A Work Conference Call 

(half-listening-while-doing-other-work doesn’t count.)

Mute buttons at the ready…. which ones have you done? 

1. Made a brew

2. Cooked a meal

3. Done the ironing

4. Cleaned your windows

5. Been for a wee

6. Walked the dog

7. Answered a personal call (holding a phone to both ears)

8. Given yourself a manicure / pedicure

9. Painted a wall

10. Had a poo (and definitely washed your hands)

Some of these I will admit to. Others I have been told of by friends – you know who you are!!! 
What have we missed? Add ideas in the comments. We can all learn to multitask more. 

Getting Organised?

This time last year I was super organised for once in my life and bought photo Fathers’ Day cards well in advance. I put them somewhere safe – so safe I completely lost them, and in doing so also completely lost my shit!

Six months later, I had a Tidy Freak day. The kind of tidying that only happens when levels of untidy get SO bad that you feel you may lose an actually family member in the mess. And guess what turned up?

I found the place I had classed as ‘safe’ – a box with a lid, that I bought to store (hide) the pile-of-crap-I-keep-for-some-reason, like stuff your kids make but you don’t want to put on the walls because essentially it’s just a scribble on a piece of paper, but you can’t throw it in the bin… just yet. It usually forms an ever-growing pile on our table, but instead I was going to remove it to a less visible location, upstairs, and in a box. Hence making me more Tidy and Organised. Yay me.

Rewind to last June… I had brought the box home and placed the box at the bottom of the stairs while I sorted out other shopping, intending to take it up on my next trip. I then added other stuff-to-put-away-when-I-go-upstairs items, for ease of carrying.

But I assume that instead of taking it up on my next trip and immediately tidying the various items, I probably left it a while, and just walked passed it a few times, but kept adding more items, making the box a transportation device, departing for the Land of Upstairs – a destination that’s only 13 steps away, but apparently a journey worth putting off a while.

I also assume that I eventually forgot that it contained many items of stuff-to-put-away-when-I-go-upstairs, thought it just contained the pile-of-crap-I-keep-for-some-reason an smugly tidied the whole box into a cupboard, hence achieving my original Tidy and Organised goal.

Learning point: I have great tidy intentions, but poor organisational execution. Must work on that.

Anyway I had the cards in my hands again, and decided that I could :

  1. Use them now (November) and laugh heartily with my dad and husband about how daft I’d been. “Better late that never… ha ha ha!” *sigh*
  2. Bin them, in shame of how fucking daft I’d been
  3. Make a second attempt to keep them in a safe place until Fathers’ Day 2017. I’m Unbalanced, but I’m also optimistic.

I chose 3, and this time, I only sodding managed it! I cleared out a whole draw and dedicated it to cards, wrapping paper and gift tags. And that’s where the cards have lived until this morning.

Shit. I think I am officially an Organised Person. Seriously, someone needs to give me a sticker.

Here’s the blog I wrote on the day I lost them – Ah such a happy memory!!: https://unbalanced-woman.com/2016/12/30/organised-disorganised-or-unbalanced/

Dizziversary

This week is two years since I began feeling dizzy – later diagnosed as the early symptoms of a Vestibular Dysfunction.

“A vestibule what??”

Exactly! Not many people know about this condition, but actually it’s not that rare. I started writing about my experiences and soon connected with many others who have had some sort of Vestibular problem.

So here’s my dizzy story, and at the end of the blog, details of where to find more info and help, if you or someone you know experience something similar.

In the beginning

I first remember getting a dizzy feeling while in the shower one morning. I had to hold the walls to finish rinsing my hair. It was a really weird sensation. But then it faded and I carried on. This happened a few more times over a couple of weeks, at work or at home, making me feel like I needed to sit quietly until the dizzy spell passed.

But one day at work it hit much harder. I was in a meeting and I just couldn’t concentrate on what was being said. The room stared spinning, but neither sitting or laying down made the symptoms ease.

About 15 years earlier I’d had Labyrinthitis – an inner ear infection that impacts the way your normal balance system works, using your ears. Labyrinthitis feels like you’re in a washing machine – and I remembered, these bouts of dizziness felt quite similar.

I went to doctor, who suspected it was the same issue, even though I didn’t have a visible ear infection this time. But two weeks of tablets later, the symptoms were getting worse not better.

Symptoms

Some people say it feels like being on a boat, or like being permanently drunk. I would wake up feeling like I’d had about three glasses of wine – a bit floaty and not too confident in myself. I’d be able to walk, but not too quickly, and perhaps have my hands ready to stop myself from falling to one side. As the day went on, it was like adding several shots of tequila. The more I did, the worse I would feel.

Lots of people joke that feeling permanently drunk must be fantastic – but much less enjoyable if you’re having the hangover at the same time. At its worst, it’s like being in a washing machine or on the Waltzers. I’d feel nauseous in my head and stick to my stomach, and even when lying down with my eyes shut, it’s impossible to get off the ride.

I can also feel very vulnerable – it took me a long time to realise that was a good discriotion, because it’s hard to describe. Just that fight of flight instinct kicks in but you could never explain why, because my rational self knew that I wasn’t really in ‘danger’. I can just feel my brain react as if I am.

I developed back and neck problems from walking badly and being constantly tense. It’s a massive mental challenge too. I couldn’t work or go to many social occasions – and I hated it. That sense of vulnerability can make you very anxious and scared to go out. I’ve heard of others becoming quite reclusive because they are scared in case they fall and hurt themselves, or worried that people will judge them for ‘drunken behaviour’.

It’s also very difficult to explain to people that you have an illness that they just don’t understand.  You either have to go into great detail or just belittle it by saying “I get a bit dizzy”, and quickly move on, and over time I realised that belittling the illness wasn’t actually a good thing, because why would people care or help, if they think it’s nothing serious?

Cause and effect

Vestibular issues can happen on their own, or as a result of something else. I have met with people who have had a brain tumour; brain haemorrhage; a stoke; Menniere’s desease and Vestibular Migraine -all of these can lead to similar dizzy symptoms at some stage, but of course, they all have other causes and very different treatments!

My neuro-physio explained the impacts on my brain in a way that helped me understand why certain things triggered my symptoms more than others. Where our brains normally scan our surroundings and ‘orientate’ to judge space and distance, my brain will respond to movement differently, and become disorientated – whether that is me moving around, or things moving around me. So if I were to sit still, in a room where nothing else was moving, my brain would know that I am safe and I could feel fine. But if I move my head, walk, spend time in a busy place or even watch ‘action’ on TV, my brain would get disoriented and confused, and panic, causing the dizziness.

The same goes for ‘scanning’ with my eyes. So reading or shopping (looking around for things) can completely throw me – even now. I hate spending time in enclosed spaces, long corridors or low ceilings. I’ve learned that when moving through a crowd or in a vehicle, I need to keep my head up and eyes open, with a clear focal point, so that my brain can ‘see’ and take in as much information as possible, even though the dizziness makes me want to close my eyes or look at the floor. Now I naturally, almost unconsciously gravitate towards clear space, look for the exits and move towards windows.

Diagnosis

It took three GP appointments to get a referral for relevant tests. I later learned that these conditions are still not widely understood or easy to diagnose, so it can take time to get answers.

I was sent for an MRI brain scan to check for signs of a tumour, haermorage, stroke, MS and god know what else. An MRI takes about 40 minutes and you need to be perfectly still. Plenty of time to start thinking ‘what if’ and start mentally writing your will and funeral plans!

Luckily my consultant was able to rule out all of those possibilities, which is actually a very nice health check to have had. He then referred me to a Neuro Physiotherapist (who knew they existed?) and an Ear Specialist who later discovered that my earlier episode of Labyrinthitis was probably the cause of damage that led to this later vestibular illness.

A temporary ear infection, all those years ago caused my brain to try to work around the problem, by learning to balance without using my ears, becoming more dependent on my eyes and incorrect body movement. But as time went on this work-around no longer worked effectively, and my brain went into melt down and became totally disorientated, sending panic signals that I wasn’t ‘safe’.

Getting treatment

At first I was given tablets to help with the nausea but that actually felt worse. Having read about other people’s negative experiences with various long-term medication I’m incredibly grateful that my treatment was neuro-physio based.

Much like other types of physio, this treatment helps you to retrain your body and brain to work properly together. I’ve had exercises to train me to go back to effective eye movement, muscle flexibility and balancing, often with my eyes closed to make my brain less dependent on sight and get back to using my ears and total combination of senses.

The main benefit for me was education – I now understand how my Vestibular system works and why mine stopped working. I understand what’s likely to be a trigger, which means I can avoid certain activities, and I know when I need to rest and let my brain catch up.

Living with long term symptoms

I made gradual progress, and it took about a year for me to feel ‘better’. And although ‘better’ is a true description, it’s still not cured. I will probably always have symptoms. I feel them coming about 3 or 4 times a week and that’s a warning to look after myself. If I don’t, I end up back on the Walzers.

But amazingly, I have been able to do most things I would have done before, including go on roller coasters! At first I didn’t even dare to dream that I’d be able to do that ever again.

My motto is “I can do anything, but I can’t do everything.”

  • I can go to a concert with a big crowd – but I’ll need space and quiet time before and after to rest
  • I can drink alcohol – but not much! It’s like everything I drink is double strength
  • I can work hard, go to meetings and work at a screen again – but I need very regular breaks
  • I can read books, but not too many pages at a time – so I now love audio books
  • I can go shopping – but in small doses, and I avoid greeting card shops and places like WHSmiths where the aisles are high and the lighting is just ‘wrong’. Hard to define, I’ve just learned from experience!

As long as I’m sensible and know my limits it appears that I’m living a totally normal life.

Mental health

Mentally, it’s been a tougher ride. I had to accept the advice that “you may only ever get to 80% of what you could do before”. For a long time that made me incredibly sad, very angry and confused. How exactly do you cut down everything you once did by 20%?! I work, I have a family, I had a very full life – what on earth do you give up?

Ultimately that’s what I’ve had to work out over time. I’ve cut down my working hours (that was a massive decision) and generally had to prioritise what I do, and just let some things go.

That’s why I started writing Unbalanced Woman blogs – a sort of therapy for me to work through how difficult it was to find a work / life / family balance. And then people who don’t have the same illness, started to tell me that they feel the same lack of balance in their lives, no matter what their situation.

So the real learn for me, is that even before I was poorly, I was probably always ‘Unbalanced’ – just not literally! Many people feel they could do with better Life Balance. My illness just forced me to look at mine differently – and I’m glad I did. I’m proud of myself for managing to find a way back to a ‘full life’ – I just have a different definition of ‘full’ now!

More information and help

[TV Voiceover…] If you have been affected by any of the issues covered is this blog, you may find this website useful:

http://vestibular.org/understanding-vestibular-disorder

I’m definitely not qualified to give any medical advice, so everything in here is just my own experience!

If you are regularly feeling dizzy over a long period, I recommend asking for help from a Doctor. Remember that these dysfunctions are difficult to diagnose, so don’t give up. Keep pushing for help, and don’t just rely on taking a medication that may only mask the symptoms.

Forums and support groups: (These are private groups you can ask to join. I can’t provide links to the private ones, so just search the names on Facebook)

 

#LiterallyUnbalanced. #Vestibular #Unbalancedwoman